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The “religious views” field on my Facebook profile reads: “Wants to believe in God”. These five short words that I wrote in a moment of inspiration say more about me than an entire book will. When I say “I want to believe in God”, I’m saying that “I don’t believe in God, but I do think that it will be good to believe in God, because there’s a hole in my life, and believing in God might fill it”.
Over the last few years, I have become (painfully) aware of another hole in my life: I don’t really have mentors.
I am connected to a large network of really smart, successful and sensitive people, but I’ve been bad at reaching out to them and requesting them to guide me, partly because I am too shy to ask for help, and partly because I am too arrogant to ask for help. But, deep down, I know that I do need help, more than I admit, even to myself.
The good thing is that I am thirty and I feel as I have lived at least three lives already. I am proud that I have done it mostly on my own, without a strong support system. I am amazed at how hard I have worked, how much I have taught myself, and how many opportunities I have created for myself. I have put in the 10,000 hours (see Michael Gladwell’s Outliers) and it shows.
However, I am beginning to believe that I have come as far as I can, on my own. I need to learn things that I can’t really teach myself: how to build strong organizations around shared values, how to lead and inspire a team by example, how to reach out to friends and strangers for help, and how to recognize and build upon my own gifts. So, I am convinced that the mentors I find and keep will determine how far I go from hereon.
So, I’m committing myself to build and nurture a strong network of mentors. I don’t quite know how, so do share your tips (I’m starting with this Inc. guide on mentoring).
Also, if you know and like who I am, and if you have asked and answered the same questions, do drop me an email at gauravonomics@gmail.com and I’ll buy you dinner when we are in the same city next time.
- X – X – X -
Update: I’m a little surprised that my little “note to myself” has started some interesting conversations, both on and off the blog. Here are some highlights –
A mentor is not really a designation and one does not anoint someone as mentor. A person rarely would announce to the world that they have identified a mentor. A mentor is just someone they would turn to for that practical, no nonsense, non judgmental input over a period of time. [Syamant (@futurescape)]
What has worked for me is to hang out with people far smarter than I am and most of my mentors have come from that pool. [Gautam John (@gkjohn)]
You should seek, if one can seek a mentor, people who have a different view of the world. There is more to be learned in disagreement than in agreement. [Gautam John (@gkjohn)]
I’ve often found that mentors usually find you rather than you going out there and looking for them. All you need to do is be available and open. [Deepti Rupani (@deeptirupani)]
In my view, I don’t have to already know someone to either become a mentor or mentee. Nor do I need to like that person. Respect, yes, even if for that particular skill or knowledge that one hopes to pick up. [Surekha Pillai (@surekhapillai)]
Mentoring is not about sharing knowledge. It is about enabling people using what they already have. [Shefaly (@shefaly)]
Different mentors for different facets: No one has all the answers. This and the time factor implies a best case scenario where you learn from different mentors, but probably not all at the same time.
[Anita Lobo (@anitalobo)]
Listen to the mentor, to learn. However, more than that, observe to learn. Often, the biggest learnings are not what the mentor does but how he/she does. [Gautam Ghosh (@gautamghosh)]
Wow. That was an extremely candid post.. something I didn't quite expect as a first time visitor to your site. I'm not sure how much you believe in things like destiny or 'it was meant to be' but I've often found that mentors usually find you rather than you going out there and looking for them. All you need to do is be available and open. This blog post is a great start… Good luck!
you always surprise me by bringing in a different perspective each time, but crowdsourcing a mentor is too much
a post on who you would have liked to mentor you and why would have been more 'realistic', however that post would not see as many conversations and buzz around it as im sure this one would 
the minute someone – no matter how qualified or reputed – puts himself up to me as a potential mentor, he would cease to be one.. to me at least. having said that, who knows… this too might yield the result you seek. we live in interesting times. all the best!
Gaurav, while this is an excellent start, to acknowledge limitations and start to work on them, I'm a little unsure about two things:
1. You can't select a mentor – a mentor must select you.
2. You can't cast for a mentor – I'm not sure if anyone who contacts you via this could be considered a mentor.
3. What has worked for me is to hang out with people far smarter than I am and most of my mentors have come from that pool.
Oh – and good luck!
ater reading this, i see many things relating to self.. anyhow, it needs great strength to accept the reality and be bold to convey the reality.. bravo..
Thank you. Yes, all of us would benefit from a strong network of mentors.
Gautam: All good points. I totally agree. The idea is to share the willingness to be mentored and hope that good things come out of it.
Surekha (and Gautam): I think that the most important criteria for a mentor is that they know and like me. The second most important criteria is that they have asked and answered the same questions that I am struggling with. People who read my blog are, then, a good group to start with.
I don't really expect too many people to write to me and offer to become a mentor. But, I am hoping that this post will start a chain reaction that will help me build a strong network of mentors over time.
I do have a secret wish-list of potential mentors who are already friends and trusted advisors. Now, I need to go back to them for advice more often, in a more deliberate manner.
I am not sure if there's value in creating a wish list of mentors, if we don't already know each other. Role models, perhaps, but that's another post.
Deepti (and Gautam): Yes, the idea is to share the willingness to be mentored — to give potential mentors the permission to find me — and hope that good things come out of it.
Unfortunately, not too many people are ready to be mentors – irrespective of their skills and expertise. It's easier to find a coach than to find a mentor.
I posted about it exactly 3 years ago
http://www.gautamblogs.com/2007/05/get-career-m...
It starts with the chemistry. People get drawn to people who are like them or whom they role model. While organizations can choose mentors/coaches without focusing on chemistry, if you want one who would guide you in your work life, then chemistry and personal relationship becomes very important.
Usually your chosen mentor would be in a similar industry and function like you want to pursue. Helping them keep up with news and new developments will also help them realise that a mentoring relationship is likely to help them too. It's not only the mentors who help in mentees learning. In a lot of ways, reverse mentoring is quite common. If you two can strike a complimentary balance, it's great.
Listen to the mentor, to learn. However, more than that, observe to learn. Often, the biggest learnings are not what the mentor does but how he/she does. Often, they are unaware of these. Observing them will help you get that insight. This is called tacit knowledge.
I think our perspectives about mentors differ and I now see your point of view. In my view, I don't have to already know someone to either become a mentor or mentee. Nor do I need to like that person. Respect, yes, even if for that particular skill or knowledge that one hopes to pick up. To give you an example, there is a gentleman known for his lobbying prowess. While I did not particularly agree with some of his qualities, I wished to be his mentee for a short span to imbibe some knowledge about a field I knew nothing about.
I am also not sure I entirely agree that like-minded people alone can share a good mentor-mentee relationship. I have often seen great chemistry between mentors and mentees who are diametrically opposite. That friction in fact is often necessary to spark off an idea.
Finally, about creating a wish list..I felt that might be a better approach than an open call for mentors. At the end of the day, only you know what you want, and who could possibly offer that to you. If you were to name that person, chances are it would catch his eye and make that wish a reality. We dont really 'know' each other. If I were to write a post that I wish to learn xyz from Gaurav Mishra, what are the chances you would reach out to me?
I'd agree with Surekha – your best mentors will, and this is from personal experience, be people who many not always see the world the same way you do. In fact, I might go so far as to say that you should seek, if one can seek a mentor, people who have a different view of the world. There is more to be learned in disagreement than in agreement.
Gaurav, most people, myself included, read your blog to learn from you. So I'm not entirely sure how this will work out. But either way, good luck in your search!
Hi Gaurav,
An avid follower of you and your work, I am too looking for a mentor. Just two years into working for my first startup I already find myself lost. Lost and not able to decide which way to go. A startup is a place for misplaced egos, disheartened directors, overworked designers & programmers. Me a co-operative & creative product manager is just lost in the wilderness.
My attempts to find a mentor till now have resulted in following blogs of wise-men like you. But I guess proactive questioning and conversation is the only solution. Attempts to find a real mentor for myself leads me to a social networking plugin idea rather what I should be looking for. And then again I am lost…
Your blog just made me write this, which I would otherwise have not even though of. Thanks!
@Gautam: Yes, like leadership, mentoring is best done by example.
@SK: Thank you for sharing. Yes, all of us are searching, in one way or the other.
I am one of those extremely rare and lucky people who found excellent professional mentors–accidentally. But you know, while I call them mentors, they are unlikely to think of themselves in those terms.
Mostly for me, it has been thus: their lives and their way of working form my example, and I cull what I need from what I know of those. These are people who have been very generous in sharing their experiences and the unstinting faith they have shown in me has given me faith in myself when the chips were down. Teachers, gurus, role models, 'buzurg' is what they might be then, more than mentors in the contemporary sense.
Mentoring has not necessarily meant that they went out of their way to create access. More than sage talks about professional success, stray comments and witticisms have pointed to important attitude changes or life-skills. I have had to summon everything I know and shove doors open myself. But I learnt how to position myself to do that, what skills to acquire, what my strengths are and where the door could give way, by watching the many people I would say have been my teachers.
At the same time, I should say that I am constantly learning from many people. You, for instance, have given me a lot to think about in that series on tweets a couple of weeks ago. If asked, I definitely would describe you as one of my mentors/ teachers on social media matters.
I would close by saying that I think mentoring is extremely important, but you cannot predict or anticipate the shape and form and nature of your mentor or her/his mentoring style. If you are open to learning, you will receive mentoring. I guess I have come to believe that now.
How about a barter mentor-ship? That is you mentor with someone for whom you are a mentor to as well. I am looking for a mentor in the area of cultural architect. If you are looking for a spiritual mentor…
Hi Gaurav,
Interesting post and discussions on the mentor post.
A few observations:
1] Reading through your post I don’t get a clear sense of what/ who you’re looking for: a business mentor or a leadership mentor or a life-coach? While these are not mutually exclusive, each implies a different kind of person and therefore, choice.
2] Effective mentoring for your level of experience means face time i.e. in person meetings. [Long distance conversations and email work as inadequate fillers]. Factor that in as you search and find mentors.
3] Rule #54: There are teachers everywhere – from the excellent book, Rules of Thumb. Read this chapter [and if you can the book, which has practical pointers on leadership & team building].
4] Different mentors for different facets: No one has all the answers. This and the time factor implies a best case scenario where you learn from different mentors, but probably not all at the same time.
5] Find a mentor who is not interested or affected by your work or the causes that you identify with. A frank & unfettered mind helps question assumptions we get used to living/ working with.
On the ‘know & like’ comments, I’d add that a business mentor should know you or get to know you, as capable and trust-worthy – otherwise the relationship won’t work. Business mentoring isn’t about contacts. Its about learning about 'how to work' and avoiding mistakes [that the mentor has made & can forewarn you] – saves a lot of time, money and heartburn.
We tend to stop being forthright with people we like a lot – it’s human nature. For leadership mentoring, mutual respect and being open to dialogue about uncomfortable questions are far better indicators than ‘know & like’.
Finally, when the student is ready, the teacher appears. So keep a sharp lookout, you will 'know' when you find the right person[s].
All the best!
Cheers,
Anita Lobo
@Anita: “when the student is ready, the teacher appears.” Touche!
@Jason: I really like the term barter-mentorship.
@Swarna: Thank you for sharing this thoughtful note.
there are about 20 mentors for me, and I follow/read their blogs everyday
Dear Gaurav,
I am mailing this because I like who you are and what you think. I think we are in the same boat . I have been searching for a guru for the past three years. Not sure whether i have found one but i have been getting guidance from various sources like books/tapes/videos etc. I believe in the saying, ” The Teacher Will Come when The Student is Ready”. May be we are trying too hard . I have now let go of struggling to find a mentor but open to one when he shows up.
Hope this helps
Gaurav, this is perhaps the first or second time am commenting on your blog, its very honest what you said here. You know why people like you often have this hole, because you intimidate the rest of us. Your successful life makes us feel you already know everything that's there to know and offering a help or suggestion would only be laughable. Interestingly, few people are brave and honest enough to say what you said here. Hope you'll find a mentor now, that you asked for it
Nice article, thanks. I’ve switched over to bartering recently for most of anything I can get without having to shell out cash. There are a couple sites out thereto use, to connect with people who are looking to barter trade/swap items or even services (carpentry work for auto work, etc). One of the sites I use is Baarter – http://baarter.com
They also have a ‘ Free Stuff ‘ section.