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After a year when less was more, because that’s all there was, I almost have a problem of plenty (here, here and here).
And, almost to remind me of the hold she still has on me, she entered my dreams early in the morning:
We sit together on my parents’ bed -
You, my mother and I -
At their house at Patna
And watch ‘Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham’ on TV.
Their white Pomeranian bitch sits in your lap
And licks your hand. Dream four.
Also, apropos of nothing, my blog has been on the Wordpress Most Popular Blogs list for the last few days, and climbing.
I understand, of course, that both these situations are too good to be true, that they are tests of some sort, tests of my sanity, that I’ll open my eyes tomorrow morning and realise that it didn’t really happen.
Comments (51)
So which of the situtations pleases you more?
And am I being added to the problem of plenty?
Why does she still have a hold over you? Does it mean you can never be with another?
@ Maya: You ask too many questions!!!
- So which of the situtations pleases you more?
Both, in their own ways, and neither, really. The ideal situation is to love one person who loves you back, isn’t it?
- And am I being added to the problem of plenty?
What do you think?
- Why does she still have a hold over you? Does it mean you can never be with another?
I have been with others, even loved them, but not in the “I love you so much, I want to kill both of us” way.
If my questions irritate you, then don’t answer them.
“I love you so much, I want to kill both of us”… That’s obssession.
I have come to believe that the love glorified by movies, by books ,which put a premium on the pain, is not really love.
For a long time, I believed that the love I feel for someone is proportional to pain it causes me. Almost doubted my love if I was ‘content’.
I have now experienced healthier love.
Let me re-phrase
“I have come to believe that the love glorified by movies, by books ,which put a premium on the pain, is not the only kind of love”.
@ Maya: As I said before:
And, to add to what I said before, it was also the type of love that brings out the best and the worst in you. The bad parts
are long gone, but the good parts have become a part of me.
And to answer the question that I evaded earlier: she still has a hold on me because she made me want to be a better man.
And I’m happy for you that you have found what you wanted.
@ Maya: But, if you have found what you wanted, why this?
I have things to say. But unfortunately work calls right now.
Till later..
@ Maya: I’ll be waiting. And so will be others. This comment-conversation seems to be quite a hit with people who read my blog!
There’s an exhibitionist in you and in me…
@ Maya: Which means you are free now?
No. But couldn’t resist the comment.
I am assuming when you say “free”, you refer to my work, not my status in life.
@ Maya: You have already broken my heart
by saying:
So, I must assume you are not free in life? No?
Free then is a state of mind. No relationship should ever make you say or feel that you aren’t free..
@qsg - still sleeping??? arey, get here real quick, you are missing out on the fun taking place here:) I’ve got pop-corn waiting…..
@gaurav - aaahhhh and she returns!!! Drats, techonlogy is too advanced that you can even figure out how many ppl are checking the comments space out periodically huh?!:) hmmm……
@ Duhita: I said she will be back, didn’t I?
@ Maya: Yes, I agree:
But what if you aren’t even in a relationship, not really anyway, but feel that you aren’t free to have another? Has that ever happened to you?
Such confidence! - “I said she will be back, didn’t I?”
“Has that ever happened to you? ” - All the time. See, whether you can be in another relationship or not is not really dependent on whether you are currently in a relationship. If that was true, then no one would ever break up with one person to be with another and life would be a happier and more boring place.
Whether you can be in another relationship depends on how engaged your emotions currently are. Are there any “free” emotions to share?
@ Maya: So, what do you recommend Maya? I have been in love with her for five years now. I think she was in love with me for six months but not beyond that. I can see that she doesn’t want to let go anymore than I want to. Given that, do I wait for her to realize that she has been in love with me all along? Or do I move on and hope that I will fall in love, find love, elsewhere, eventually?
@Duhita: Something is definitely brewing here! I have my fingers and toes crossed…! :))
That last comment (#18), BTW, was written late at night, after a boring dinner meeting and half a bottle of scotch. In other circumstances, I would have preferred a witticism on
but what’s written is now written.
@ Maya: You are allowed to ignore so-serious-that-they-are-silly questions like that. Flirting with you is far too much fun to scare you away with them.
@ qsg/ Duhita/ Others: Much thanks for being such a wonderful audience. To show my appreciation, and to add a further twist to this comment-conversation, let me ask you this:
Gaurav, if she hasn’t figured out in 5 years if she loves you, chances are she doesn’t. Because “love” exists only in its realisation.
But what do you mean by “I can see that she doesn’t want to let go anymore than I want to.” Is she trying to hold on to you?
Gaurav, the more important question is - why have you let her have a hold on you? For five year, why haven’t you allowed yourself to move on?
Too many questions. It’s not intrusion, but curiosity.
@ Maya: Ignore comment #18 (see #20).
I know she doesn’t love me and I know I need to move on. I have known it for years now. I have moved on, too, in my own way. (Didn’t you say that I had an exciting life? :-)) But, I’ll always love her and think of her often and fondly, and she’ll always make me want to be a better man than I am, and she will always have a hold on me because of that.
BTW, I think I am beginning to like your questions. In fact, I think we should copyright the comment-shrink concept and retire to the Bahamas and live happily ever after on the royalties.
I hate ignoring comments which are written in a drunken haze.
Sometimes, I wonder how my life would have been different if I didn’t drink. There is so much that has happened, so many people I have met, so many things I have done, from which it is difficult to seperate the alcohol.
Btw, if the hold she has on you makes you want to be better, then it’s all good. Then you have experienced a form of “healthy” love.
The Bahama idea sounds interesting. Though retiring as a concept doesn’t appeal. Shouldn’t life you lead be exactly what you want it to be and hence you never really want to retire from it?
Audience Question: Do you think that comment-flirting with mysterious women named Maya is a nice way to move on?
@ Maya: We want funny drunken Maya anecdotes now:
Apropos Bahamas, I’m sure that if we put our heads together, we can come up with ways to not retire there. How about opening a Sixties style bar on the beach?
Flirting with mysterious women is definitely one way to move on.
And the Sixties style bar on the beach sounds fun.
Flirting is not a way to move on. It’s a way to distract yourself.
And no past drunken anecdotes. Of course, we could create some together someday..
@ Dia: Thank you for the encouragement.
@ Maya: Distracting yourself is all that’s in your hands, the rest of it can only happen to you, if you let it.
And although the possibility of shared drunken anecdotes in an unspecified future is more than a little exciting, our voyeuristic sensibilities really insist that you share a drunken Maya anecdote with us now.
Exactly. That’s why was asking what’s stopping you from “letting it”.
Druken Maya anecdotes will have to wait. They are not so much funny, as sometimes tragic, sometimes porfound, sometimes silly.
But you can share some of yours. I am assuming you drink. We will need to stop this comment-flirtation if you dont! (See that is one way to fail!)
@ Maya: OK, here’s one, but only on a I’ll show you mine if you show me yours basis :-):
When I was seeing her, the watertank in our institute was our favorite place to hang out. In fact, we kissed for the first time sitting on top of the watertank. One Friday night, there was a party at the institute, we were both drunk and we had a fight while we were at the watertank. As she started walking down the staircase, I shouted to her, like Dharmendra in Sholay:
I was loud enough to be heard above the music at the party and very soon, we had chowkidaars and friends coming to the watertank to check us out. Eventually, a friend convinced me to come down and, everybody went back to the party. As you can imagine, she was embarassed beyond description, and so was I next morning.
But enough about her now; it’s time for your drunken anecdote now. Come on, be a sport!
//What do you think is happening here?
Lots of flirting for sure with Ms Illusion or then again, someone who’s chosen to listen to you and decided to provide her perspective on things. But wait, what do you think is happening here???
I think you should see where this distraction leads to, rather than always wonder, right?!:)
I can see how she brings out the best in you
I would love to share funny drunken anecdotes with you, but truly there aren’t any. To be a sport, I could create one, but that would be lie. And we know how much you want ” truth and nothing but the truth”.
But I had a question for you (yet again!). Actually it’s your own question - “What do you think is happening here?”.
The thrill of analysing a situation while you are in it is quite something. And the thrill of doing it with the person involved himself is really something. When you analyse a situation in the past it gets coloured with your “then present” and loses some of its essence.
Kundera said - We remember suprisingly few moments of our lives. Most of our memory is an extrapolation of those few memories. I tend to agree with him.
@ Duhita: Maya and I are playing hide and seek, that’s what’s happening here.
@ Maya: No Maya? I like hide and seek; it’s an underrated game, don’t you think?
And how are we playing hide and seek Gaurav. Who is hiding, who is seeking and what?
Though I agree, it is an underrated game. It has potential to excite, which is often not understood.
@ Maya: That’s the thing about hide and seek:
especially when you don’t quite know who is hiding and who is seeking.
Also, as I was discussing with her, hide and seek is exciting only if you are eventually found.
@ Maya: Also, you couldn’t resist the potshot, could you?
So now I was hiding! (Actually finishing off some work!). How many times did you press the refresh button?
Talking about buttons, my favourite button is ctrl + z. Two keys which can undo all recent wrongs. If only that could be extended to our words, our actions.
@ Maya:
ROTFL! A few times, but then, I was actually finishing some work myself.
That’s worthy of an entry in the fantasy gadget list, except that once you press ctrl + s, even ctrl + z doesn’t work anymore.
..and here I was feeling so ignored..Already, you impact my mood..
What is ROTFL?
@ Maya: LOL & ROTFL! That means ‘laughing out loud’ and ‘rolling on the floor laughing’. These are terms only bloggers seem to use. I am a late starter wrt blogging, like I am a late starter wrt everything else, so I’m learning myself.
There’s also BRB (be right back), FYI (for your information), IMHO (In my humble/honoured opinion). And then there’s GB…any guesses what that could mean?
A late starter because of inertia, ignorance or insecurities?
I, on the other hand, want to be and usually am an early starter. Mainly because of my insecurities. To me being different, standing out, doing something new is almost a way of giving purpose to my life.
Gaurav, why don’t you post your favourite picture of yourself…
@ Maya: You ask difficult question, Maya:
All three, I tell myself, when I’m being uncharitable to myself. Otherwise, I allow myself to explain it away as an absence of opportunity.
This is one of my favorite pictures. It was taken on a rafting trip to Haridwar, two years back, and I have been told that I look a little like Abhishek Bachchan in it.
@ Ideasmith: In my humble opinion, IMHO is quite cool!
What is GB?
And I don’t know why Akismet is classifying your comments as spam! I just gave it a spanking! I think it will behave in future.
No idea what is going on here - but it is fun - lots of fun!
Hopefully, you will move on. We all do! Flirting might not be a bad way to move on… I know it is only a distraction, but you almost have to distract yourself before you can think of something else! It’s all good.
Best of luck!
@ qsg: I agree, flirting is always fun, and watching people flirt even more so.
wat happened? where is maya? i was lost in a different world altogether while reading ur comments- flirts….
just love ur witty skills…
i hav just started to blog and i truley fancy ur blog…
Trackbacks/Pingbacks (2)
[…] Finally, my stats page also tells me that my hits increase by 1/3rd on days when Maya and I comment-flirt (here, here, here and here)! Maya, are you reading this? My stats page misses you! […]
[…] We talked about how our comment-flirtations last month (here, here, here and here) were strangely reminiscent of our chat flirtations when we had first met. We talked about how much we had changed since we were together, how I had lightened up and she had grown up from child-woman to all-woman. […]