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The other night, a lady friend was combing her hair in my bathroom when she decided to investigate the state of my toiletries instead.
She made appreciative sounds when she saw my Bvlgari body lotion and Burberry perfume, but was much perplexed when she couldn’t find any aftershave lotion.
Here’s a more or less faithful reproduction of the conversation that followed –
Lady Friend: (clearing her throat) Which aftershave lotion do you use?
Gaurav: Actually, I don’t use one anymore.
Lady Friend: (resuming her inspection of my toiletries) Oh! So, you use an aftershave gel. Those are good too.
Gaurav: Actually, I don’t use aftershave at all — no lotion, balm, or gel.
Lady Friend: (turns around sharply) How can a man not use aftershave lotion? (encouragingly) Come on, it’s okay if you use Old Spice or something. Anything is forgiven in a man who uses Bvlgari body lotion for a back massage.
Gaurav: (laughs) I told you about my off consumption experiment, didn’t I?
Lady Friend: (tentatively) Yes?
Gaurav: So, basically, throughout the year, I’m not allowed to buy anything that is not a necessity. (pauses) I finished my last bottle of aftershave two weeks back and decided that aftershave was not a necessity.
Lady Friend: (even more perplexed) So, when you run out of your Bvlgari body lotion, you’ll not buy another bottle.
Gaurav: No.
Lady Friend: (positively shocked now) So, you are basically using you last half bottle of Bvlgari body lotion on a back massage.
Gaurav: (smiles naughtily) Well, I can’t really think of a better way to use it.
Lady Friend: (smiles back naughtily) In that case, why don’t you give me another one?
Well, after three weeks of not using aftershave, I had to visit Wikipedia to remember why I ever used it in the first place.
It’s good that I finally managed to buy a pack of phitkari (alum) today (it seems that no grocery shop in Cuffe Parade stocks it); after reading about the astringent properties of aftershave, I have suddenly discovered a slight itch on my face (even though I’m sure that it’s psychosomatic).
